Twenty-year-old Mariah Yeater has charged teen pop phenom Justin Bieber with a paternity suit, claiming that he's the father of her newborn son. Fun scandal!
Oh man, please please please let this be true. At this point, the jokes are still too easy (baby baby baby, Justin Bieber looks like a baby and he also has a baby! nyuk nyuk), but if the pint sized pop star is actually proven to be the father of a brand new kid, there'll be years of comedy to follow. First, the fallout in his relationship with Selena Gomez; then, photographs of Bieber slinging a bundle of baby along to the recording studio; only a matter of time before we start seeing him lose it on camera. I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be. Bieber would finally have to drop his cloying good boy act and start acting like a real person. It would probably do him a lot of good, and make him a lot more likeable to the over-13 set.
That being said, there's a proud tradition of celebrity-obsessed young women falsely pinning paternity on their superstar love idols. Justin Bieber may well be an innocent victim, but that possibility's too boring to consider right now.
In her testimony, Yeater stated that she met Bieber backstage after one of his shows, they started making out and then went somewhere private to consummate their "love." Nine months and two days later, she had a baby. I'm including the full statement, with some really icky details below, but first, let me just say that none of this really sounds out of character. Someone recently showed me some unreleased, behind-the-scenes footage of Bieber in the recording studio, and he was running around swearing and making lots of sex jokes. It wasn't bad behavior by any means, just him acting like an average 17-year-old bro, but it made it clear that Bieber isn't a sweet, earnest guy: he's a cocky little fameball with an angelic face and really stupid hair.
One more detail before I let the lady of the hour speak for herself: if Yeater's statements are true, Bieber was 16, and she was 19, if/when the incident occured. Not that legal.
Here's the text from the affadavit (warning: if you read, gross mental images imminent):
“Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.
After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f**k the s**t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.
In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”
And just for kicks, his prophetic hit single: