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Breaking News: This Devastatingly Hot Kim Kardashian Moustache Is Wearing an Engagement Ring

Today is the first official business day of the new year and wow — not so good! Bad already. Maybe it's the impending blizzard or the accelerated volume of post-holiday Tweets, but right now the Internet feels especially soul-crushing. How are we going to make it?

I was worried. I worry about Kim constantly. Sometimes I stay up at night thinking about her, wondering if she's safe, if she has enough to eat, if she's warm, whether her latest selfies turned out okay.

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So is our creator deity.

Mazel!

THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF A CANINE IS VERY ENDEARING

Omg, they should probably take an Advil to bring their temperature down. 

What, Miley Cyrus doesn't follow Perez Hilton on Twitter?

Clicking on this will lower your monthly health insurance premiums. 

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