We’ll be honest — the only time we wanted to hear about Tom Hardy‘s pants was contingent upon whether or not he planned to remove them. At least, until now. Turns out The Dark Knight Rises actor is very passionate about track pants, as we found out in this eight-minute rant published in Esquire. Not since Kanye West went on that tirade about inventing leather jogging pants has there been such an impassioned speech about the article of clothing.
Apparently, the actor was given a sampling of track pants, none of which pleased him. In fact, he was very displeased with the selection, a sentiment which he did not hesitate to freely express.
On pants never meeting his strict specifications: “…I have a very clear line, when it comes to pants. ‘Will my beard look cooler in these pants? And can I make a clean run for the border in them?’ You know what I mean? And you know what’s a good start? Not looking like I’m a member of One Direction—that’s a good start. “
On the proper use for track pants: “You can put stuff in the pockets. You can herd pedestrians into safe zones and take out the rubbish in them, your naked torso sweating and rippling in the sunlight. You can do the washing-up in them, barefoot and walking around the house. You can keep things in pockets and stuff like that. That’s what pants are for.”
Minnesota-born Brooklyn hipster transplants are to blame for the meager pant options: “…the pants that I’m seeing look like they’re all sorts of metrosexual weird. The kind of thing that was coughed out of Minnesota and spat onto the streets of Brooklyn in the last ten years, for a secret reason that wasn’t fair to any of us.”
He’s really annoyed that they gave him pants his wife would probably steal from him, leaving him in nothing but his knickers: “Because these are the pants that are supposed to be worn by the girlfriend. You know what I mean? On Sunday morning. They’re those pants. You say, ‘Sugar, can I have my pants back?’ And she’s like, ‘No. I’m comfortable in your pants. Fuck off.’ So you have to wear boxer shorts in the cold. You have to go and shiver. You have to make tea and walk around in baggy, baggy underpants that your balls hang out of. And when your neighbors come to the door to give you garden tools and they look at you like, ‘Where are your pants?’ And you can’t say, ‘My wife is wearing them.’”
Fashion makes no sense: “This sounds like common sense. But there’s nothing common about sense, my friend. Especially in the fashion world.”
Oh, Tom, we hope you someday find a pair of track pants that suit you.