This week Anna watches, then writes about... Jessica Simpson - A Public Affair The video begins. Four birds of bright plumage clamber into the back of a limousine. One is Jessica Simpson, kind of famous for singing, wanting to be famous for acting; actually famous for appearing in an MTV reality show about her "celebrity" marriage to Nick Something (from a boy band). Another is Christina Milian, a popular pop singer for whom I cannot name a single song. Then there is Christina Applegate, comedy actress of such classics as Married with Children (approx 20 years ago) and a sometime guest star of Friends. And finally we have Eva Longoria, star of Desperate Housewives, and the most downloaded person on the internet. Or something.
And the following piece of Oscar nomination-worthy dialogue takes place, which really has to be given in full.
Christina Milian: "Gaaad, they're always chasing us" Christina Applegate: "Could we be any more famous?" Eva Longoria: "Actually girls, I think we could" Jessica Simpson: "I wanna be so famous that every time I fall in love, Oprah does a special about it" Milian: "I wanna be so famous that even my ex-boyfriends become famous" Applegate: "I wanna be so famous that I have to have my babies in Africa"
(Good luck with that) Longoria: "Well I wanna be so famous that I'm the most downloaded person on the internet" [you see what they did there, it's clever] Simpson: "I wanna be more famous than the internet" (Simpering fool)
Ryan Seacrest (the chauffeur and presenter of American Idol) cuts in: "I wanna be so famous my hair stylist gets his own show on Bravo!"
The girls look unimpressed, and motion for Seacrest to turn around. The audience become slackjawed with boredom and disbelief at sheer rubbishness.
Milian: "So you guys think there are going to be more paparazzi when we get there?" Simpson: "There better be..."
And off they go. I think if we can all rest assured about something, it's that they're at least famous enough to write their own script, as this is embarrassing: it's drivel. It's 30 seconds so cringeworthy that it leaves you reeling for a few minutes after, barely able to listen to the song, so busy are you looking around confused, wondering if you imagined it, and raising the plaintive argument: "seriously, WTF, mate?"
Ever since the moment she spun out of reality couplehood and into the celebrity stratosphere - the moment she chose to ask with a camera crew present whether tuna was a fish, or type of chicken - Simpson and her ma and pa management team have been anxious to prove that she's a multi-talented beast.
Here, then, she's keen to show off the comedy actressing skills she's been honing in such classics as The Dukes of Hazzard, and Employee of the Month. Comedy skills mainly comprising of:
a) wearing very short shorts b) reading out loud and c) looking a little confused and occasionally gurning.
It is pleasing to know that Simpson is bringing everything she's got to the party.
It is somewhat predictable that everything she's got is still not very good.
I become worried that very soon, the two Christinas are going to have only one breast still covered between them.
They arrive at a roller skating rink. Inside a weaselly-looking bespectacled man is handing out boots. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Andy Dick! Nonono, Andy Dick.
Oh come on: Saturday Night Live stalwart Andy Dick? He was in NewsRadio? And also in that thing set in that magazine with that woman in it? And Less Than Perfect which is on ABC1 9000 times a day? No? Well, he was in Employee of the Month with Jessica Simpson, so that at least explains why he's here, though doesn't necessarily mean you're more likely to recognise him.
The women walk up to the boot-hire counter, and Dick dribbles a little. We cut to a brief chorus. Apparently, 'all the girls come out for a public affair'. Well, all power to them. And, interestingly, 'all the camels come out for a public affair' too. Well, that's the problem with very tight shorts, isn't it? It's very hard to avoid a camel t... Oh! She said cameras. Not camels. Sorry.
Anyway, back to the boots and Dick, who's busy breaking into a fantasy where Simpson and Milian lick his face, then come quite close to kissing each other - but of course don't because that would be far too risqué for a Jessica Simpson video.
The fantasy ends, suddenly. Jessica stares at Dick angrily for cutting the fantasy short before she got to snog La Milian. She looks like she really hates Dick.
Oooh! Here comes the love interest!
There are a boy and a girl sitting looking like a couple. Jessica stares with coy lust at the boy and girl, then cuts to a fantasy scene...
Jessica with the love interest (the boy, in this case), featuring them, in a photo booth, having their picture taken. Photos of Jessica! Yay! Jessica likes pictures of Jessica! Jessica is pretty! Yay!
*Sigh*. I'm losing the will to live. Oh look. Teeth.
In turn, the love interest cuts to a fantasy scene of his own. A more suggestive one this time, featuring Jessica eating an ice cream in a manner that suggests:
a) Jessica is out of practice at eating solid food, and/or b) Jessica Simpson gives the worst blow jobs on the planet.
I think we all know the real reason she and Nick broke up. Seriously, it's like a watching Jabba the Hutt suck jelly off a wooden spoon.
I know, I know, it's supposed to be funny. It's supposed to be comedy. But that's the problem here - everything's supposed to be funny and nothing is. There are pratfalls and there are promising set-ups, but since everyone's too vain to be made to look really stupid, every joke moves seamlessly from build-up to fall-flat.
Even the two actually funny comedic actors, Christina Applegate and Andy Dick (heh, even his name's funny etc) are here about as funny as a wet fart, dribbling into your consciousness and making you feel uncomfortable and a bit dirty.
The love interest's former love interest (a woman who presented last year's Eurovision, fact-fans) has her own dirty little fantasy about Simpson and herself having a catfight that ends in the violent removal of each woman's unconvincing extensions.
It's hair-larious.
And of course, it all comes back to 70s roller disco styling. The whole "tribute to Holiday by Madonna" thing.
The skating:
Milian scooters around looking smugly grateful for the attention, Applegate swims through the experience on cruise control, looking like she's willing to do whatever's going to pay for the next valium and Eva Longoria just plasters the world's fakest smile to her dolly beak and grins in a way that suggests like someone's agent is going to get fired for not getting them out of this.
It's genius. The lovely ladeez are shown skating forward in a very safe manner, and then they'll cut to other, professional skaters, who will do some clever skating moves, and then back to the famous women skating forward in a very straight line. When Jessica has to do something more complex, like mime and move her legs at the same time, she appears to be placed on a moving platform and filmed very close up so it still looks a little bit like she's skating. Very clever. And also rubbish.
More pictures are taken of Simpson, this time clinging on to Dick! He sticks his fingers up her nose!
Come on Andy, you're barely trying! Ten inches further and you could have hit her brain!
More comedy! Someone skates in front of Simpson. She falls over, but more pleasing still, on the way to falling over, makes this face:
And then, the moment they never wanted us to see...
In the heat of the moment, and bored with Milian trying to steal the limelight and reclaim the heady recording career that no one can quite remember her having in the first place, Eva Longoria smacks that smaller Christina one hard. In The Face.
You saw it here first people. They can try and pretend they're all mates, but at the end of the day when the gloves come off - it's a public affair.
And that's the end. It's not strictly the end, but after watching Jessica screaming and all the others physically attacking each other, I composed a much more Battle Royale-esque ending than the nice one with Simpson slithering off into the sunset with her ice-cream obsessed beau that the video actually had.
In my version there was blood. And retractable daggers coming out of the rollerboots. And hair extensions everywhere.
You can watch Jessica Simpson's video for A public affair thanks to many YouTube users here and can probably get it on her official site too. Sadly I couldn't get past the welcome screen.You can watch two Chinese dorm boys miming to A Public Affair
And much better than all, you can watch a short animation called The End of The World, from whence the picture of the confused kangaroo came.
Everyone thinks Jessica Simpson is untalented. I have her first album and I have to say there are some choir songs on there that definitely can rival Christina Aguilera. Showing talent isn't really a priority of Jessica's anymore though so I can't blame people for thinking otherwise.
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"What do I wear to bed? Why Chanel No. 5 of course."- Marilyn Monroe
Everyone thinks Jessica Simpson is untalented. I have her first album and I have to say there are some choir songs on there that definitely can rival Christina Aguilera. Showing talent isn't really a priority of Jessica's anymore though so I can't blame people for thinking otherwise.
I am not a big fan of hers, but I have to agree with you - she def needs a better agent
Jessica Simpson - A Public Affair - A review
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