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According to Russian Vogue, Nothing’s More Fashionable than Being Naked

Russian VogueRussian Vogue seems to think that sometimes the best way to show clothing is to just not show it at all. For its November 2011 cover, Adam Levine and Anne Vyalitsyna were photographed locked in a passionate, naked embrace. Sorry HYPERBOLE ALERT: Levine's skin is covered with a few tattoos and Vyalitsyna's wearing a fur scarf/cape thing, so obviously the whole "naked" comment was me just exaggerating. And this all makes sense if you think about it: tattoos and a scrap of fur are definitely enough clothing to keep a person alive through those ice-cold Russian winters.

Impracticality aside, the real-life couple looks stiff and the black-white-red color scheme is brutal. But it's the cover captions, which my mad Russian skills will translate for you, that have done the most to convince me that this is the worst fashion cover I've seen this year. To contextualize the nudity, Russian Vogue makes some grand promises about the offerings inside the magazine: "How to dress, so that you'll be undressed: corsets, leather, couture, and fur." See, the nudity on the cover isn't gratuitous, it's just the logical progression of the magazine's editorial vision. To reflect contemporary Russian values, the Yvalitsyna/Levine editorial is called "Poker and the Supermodel." Because when your nation's democracy is crumbling all around you, the only thing you can do is gamble and hope you win big.

The biggest caption on the cover, running along the couple's naked torsos, claims that "Fashion is like Sex." You know what's funny about that? Fashion is not at all like sex. You see, fashion is about wearing clothing and sex is about not wearing clothing. Fashion does not lead to the creation of life. Fashion isn't about people being really close to each other (either physically or emotionally, take your pick). Fashion is only like sex if you change partners every season which, well, Lady Gaga, for one, does not approve of.