Single and wondering what the heck you’re doing wrong? You’re far from alone. To shed some light on the topic, we spoke with Selective Search founder Barbie Adler, who has been connecting singles for years. Adler offers fully-customized offline matchmaking services tailored to each of her client’s specific dating criteria. Membership starts at $25,000, and that lofty price point goes up with the specificity of a client’s requirements, which can range from preferred education to eye color. Some clients (of which 10% are women) have paid well into the six-figure range to be introduced to the exact person of their dreams. The good news? It’s completely free to join as an “affiliate” and you can do so by clicking here.
With an 87 percent success rate, Adler is an expert on the dating scene and warns against the following eight mistakes she commonly spots in singles.
Not Taking Time to Be Single
A recent breakup has left you feeling lonely, so you sign up for a bunch of dating sites and give out your number like you’re hosting a 24-hour telethon. Evaluate how you’re feeling before you start talking to every new person who gives you attention. Give yourself time to heal and adjust to your single status before you dive back into the dating pool. I promise you, it gets better.
Stalking Your Ex on ANY Social Media Platform
By continuing to check up on your ex and see what’s going on in their life, you’re not allowing yourself to move forward. This can create a lot of doubt and make you wonder “what if?” Remember that you broke up for a reason and that there is somebody better for you out there. Stay focused on the now, not yesterday.
Having “Mandatory” Criteria for a Partner
Of course, everyone has the idea of what they want in a partner: X education, X height, X eyes, X goals. While it is important to identify what you want in a relationship, it’s also important to be open-minded. We always encourage our members to be open to someone that might be a little out of their “type.” More times than not, they find that Mr. or Mrs. Right came in a different package than they expected.
Missing the Red Flags
Part of our Benchmarks for Success is identifying your deal breakers. Knowing what you absolutely don’t want is just as important as defining your ideal match. ID’ing your non-starters before you go on a date or when a relationship is new will save you a lot of time. If you see a red flag, you have to tell yourself, “This isn’t going to work for me.” Whether it’s a difference in values, lifestyle or personal habits — know when to throw in the towel and walk away.
Not Being Authentic
There is nothing worse than starting a relationship based on a facade. Just because you’re wildly attracted to somebody and want it to work, doesn’t mean that you have to be a different version of yourself or change your core values. Opposites do, in fact, attract in some cases, so why not take the chance and put the “real you” out there? The person you’re with should like you for you, not the idea of someone that you’re not.
Taking the Opinions of Others Too Seriously
Sure, we all value constructive criticism; it’s how we become better individuals, but know when to take it with a grain of salt. Just because sparks didn’t fly on the first date, the attraction wasn’t there or you’re better off in the friend zone doesn’t mean you’re to blame. You deserve someone who is over the moon about you, so stay your course and know that you can’t be everyone’s “one.” Stay confident, and keep your heart open.
Applying the Past to Your Future
You had a heart-wrenching breakup, you were cheated on, they didn’t make time for you. We’ve all been there and it’s hard to bounce back with a clean slate. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you assume that it’s going to end up just like last time. If you actively look for indicators that remind you of past experiences, it will prevent you from seeing potential in someone new. So, check your baggage at the gate before jet-setting into a new relationship.
Waiting for the Shoe to Drop
You started dating somebody three months ago and it’s going great; you don’t remember the last time you’ve been this happy. So, why are you still wondering when it’s all going to fall apart? You start actively looking for flaws, or worse yet, you drum up some drama. Allow yourself to be happy and be comfortable with being content. Don’t let the threat of conflict scare you away from a relationship with some gusto.
Editor’s note: the information on Selective Search has been updated.