As a general rule, I don’t think much about underwear. Most of my underwear-related thoughts run along the lines of, “I wonder if these are clean?” (No), and, “I wonder if I should go buy more underwear rather than do my laundry?” (Yes).

But I started thinking about underwear a lot recently when I discovered, in an otherwise perfectly normal Soho boutique, a rack of underpants, each covered in a pithy phrase like “PROPERTY OF BRAD” or “RORY’S GIRL.”

It’s  not clear to me exactly what this underwear line is trying to accomplish. Presumably, Brad/Rory/whoever is supposed to find your crazed devotion ‘sexy.’ But this seems counterproductive. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from many years of failed relationships, it’s this: Guys don’t want to know when you’re that into them.

I mean, okay, I am a Modern Woman, so I don’t believe you have to play ‘hard to get’ all the time. The Rules are for tools. You should be honest with your emotions and needs, etcetera. But that doesn’t mean you can throw caution to the wind and wear property underwear. There are limits.

Just picture the scenario: Bedroom scene. A couple is undressing. Suddenly the guy freezes, points to the woman, and demands, “What is that?”

The woman looks down and says in a sultry voice, “Oh, you mean where it says ‘STEVE’S SWEETHEART’? That’s just because I love you. More than anything. You are my fashion statement. I like to carry your name around all day long. Sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I stare at my underwear in the mirror, just to remind myself that I have a boyfriend.”

Please allow me to speak for the masses here when I say: DUDES AREN’T INTO THAT.

Also, it could get awkward if—God forbid—the woman and Steve break up, and then she’s stuck with an incriminating pair of panties in her underwear drawer.

NEW BOYFRIEND: “So, you used to date a guy named Steve, hmm?”

GIRL: “He meant nothing to me.”

NEW BOYFRIEND: “Thing is, you have these underpants…”

GIRL: “Right. Those were, like… an accident.”

NEW BOYFRIEND: “I’m going home. Never call me again.”

All that being said, underwear proclaiming that your boyfriend owns you is still probably safer than those shirts that have words like “FLIRT” and “LICK ME” splayed across them. Sometimes I see pre-pubescents trotting around town in these shirts, and I have to wonder, “Don’t you girls have parents?”

In short, having sexually suggestive taglines printed on your outfits is generally a little bit trashy, not to mention unnecessary. Let the clothes speak for themselves. If you really need to use your underwear to inform a guy that you’re attracted to him, then something like this should get the message across loud and clear: