Malls may be dying a slow and tragic death, but shopping is still America’s greatest pastime. Just look at Black Friday. It’s basically the Running of the Bulls with sale bags. But it’s that whole purging thing we can’t quite wrap our heads around. We need those Levi’s that should have mysteriously disappeared from our closet in 1998. Who knows when we’ll get a whiff of DIY fever. Or how about the random stash of mismatched earrings lying around? We may miraculously find the mates three years later. And don’t even get us started on our emotional attachment to every pair of shoes we ever stepped foot in. If you’re one cashmere cardigan away from starring in an episode of Hoarders, get in line, sister. The epidemic is spreading. It’s time to own it.
1. Let’s get one thing straight. Hoarding is too basic for what you do. You’re a nostalgic collector of fine goods.
2. You own eight white T-shirts, but this one is DIFFERENT.
3. You leave Goodwill with more bags than you brought in.
4. You’re the only one who thinks “buy two, get one free” sales are a steal.
5. You believe spring cleaning is a blasphemous ritual performed by pagans.
6. You have a stash of fashion tear-outs that date back to 1995. They have sentimental value.
7. You have a closet full of unworn designer castoffs with sale tags. It shows your thrifty side.
8. You have nightmares about minimalism.
9. You know that buying the same pair of pumps in three colors isn’t excessive — it’s proactive.